Remember March and April 2020, when everyone who had access to an oven was baking sourdough bread?
I didn’t, because baking bread is intimidating and I didn’t have the energy for a science experiment. But people seemed to really be enjoying themselves. Everyone found a new project to distract themselves from the doom outside the door. It was lovely.
I have always been interested in the idea of food as a companion. Admittedly, I enjoy eating more than I do making, but I do have a small list of easy, favourite meals that I turn to whenever I feel sad, lost, confused or just hungry in a very specific way.
Things changed a little bit a few weeks ago, when I wanted to make a sandwich but I didn’t have any bread. I remembered that my mother used to bake buns for us, and I thought about how my grandmother’s jeqe always seemed like a delicious mystery. So, I went online, found a recipe, and hoped for the best.
I followed the instructions, which called for very little butter and no eggs at all. I was surprised but then I thought, “of course, because this isn’t a cake. Duh.”
It took quite a chunk out of my night, but before bed I had a warm, buttery slice of bread made in my own hands and I felt — so, so happy.
I had done it! I had made bread! I felt proud. Self-sufficient. It was the start of an obsession.
I’ve made bread three more times since. One of those times, I got really wild and added herbs and cheese to the dough! I loved the idea of being able to make myself a very satisfying loaf of bread. It made me feel independent. It made me feel capable.
Earlier tonight, while I was kneading my latest loaf (kneading in the bowl is much easier for me than making a mess on the kitchen counter), I thought “hm, maybe this is as soothing as everyone says it is.”
It’s been a weird day — I feel like I’m tip toeing on the serrated edge of my emotions — so I needed to be in control of something. Bread turned out to be just what I needed.
While I was baking, I wasn’t focused on anything else. While I was eating my bread, I was enjoying the taste and feeling a quiet joy about that, instead of going over my list of worries for the umpteenth time. Baking bread rounded out this day very nicely.
I’m glad I can bake bread whenever I need to. For life skills reasons, yes, but also for keeping-myself-sane reasons.
Nkhensani Manabe 