"What are your deal breakers?"

Someone asked me what my deal breakers were when it comes to relationships, and I didn’t know how to answer. I quickly said something about how you can never be sure what you don’t want, and so I can only say I wouldn’t want to deal with whatever type of person I didn’t get along with in the past. So I will only know what I don’t want when I see it.

When I was told my answer was very diplomatic I realised that I really hadn’t made much of a statement. So do I even know what my deal breakers are?

Deal breaker implies terms or situations that I would not want to be in, but do I even know what I do want? I don’t believe that I do.

If I go way back to primary school, and if I follow the principle that what I want is what I am naturally attracted to (whether or not that is accurate), then I have to use my very first crush as the measure of my standards and preferences.

He had dark hair, wasn’t much taller than me, and was the most popular boy in our grade. He had whatever charisma an 11-year-old boy has, and it drew me to him. I had a big crush on him – the kind that fills the pages of a young girl’s journal at night. For years the combination of brown eyes, dark hair and charisma was what piqued my interest in a boy.

Now comes the problem of time and experience. Can a person grow older yet remain exactly the same, in terms of personality, values and preferences? The simple answer is no. And that explains why in later years I cared less about popular white boys and a little bit more about boys who were the cool kids among their peers.

In high school, there was a not-quite-crush involving one of the rugby boys. Again, it was his popularity and charisma that attracted me to him. I was something of an undercover fangirl: watching him closely and wishing I could be chosen to be part of his crowd (like the teen stalker that I was), but also making sure not to look like I was throwing myself at him because he was a really good rugby player (that’s what all the newsletters said) and was therefore high school royalty.

I did, however, confess an interest in going to one of the formals with him to one of my friends. I don’t remember what I wrote in that letter, but I know my friend encouraged me to be open to possibilities.

Save for an unexpected but welcome hug at the end of one of the year’s rugby games, and a picture together at a hostel function, nothing notable happened between us.

When I got to university, everything went to crap. I didn’t know anyone, and at the same time the stakes in dating game were higher than ever: this was where I was supposed to find my future husband.

The person I had my first varsity crush on wasn’t even someone I had chosen for myself. A friend of mine began the campaign for him and me to be together based on a conversation that I no longer remember. He was tall, smart, funny – all the good things. I proceeded to cultivate an intense crush on him, one that involved replaying every one of our interactions and adding them to an archive which I must have believed I could look back on one day when the two of us were in a steady relationship.

My infatuation was deep and heady, and ended in drawn-out and confusing process that taught me one thing, at least: I like smart guys, but I am also intimidated by them.

So I suppose if I ever had a “type” in the past, it was someone who is tall, gives good hugs, is smart and can hold a conversation, cares about me and has a bit of charm.

If I met someone who ticked all these boxes, what would be the one thing that ruins his chances? What would I not stand?

What I know is that I definitely do not care for a patronising attitude. I don’t like it when someone behaves as if I am overreacting when I voice my opinion, or who only agrees with me so that I will stop talking. (But why should that even be listed as a deal breaker? If we’re not all treating each other with respect simply because it’s the right way to behave, then what are we even doing?)

I also know that I don’t like when a person doesn’t keep their word. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, and also just don’t lie to me.

Someone who doesn’t support my work or my plans for the future doesn’t deserve space in my life. Neither does someone who does not make time for me.

Other things that I can’t stand: bad breath, bitten nails, gold or silver teeth (including the Hollywood version, grills), unkempt hair (I’m generally suspicious of men that have hair long enough to tie into a ponytail), heavy drinking and smoking (including but not limited to weed), and abuse, verbal or physical. Also, don’t gaslight me.

Oh, look at that. A full list of deal breakers. I suppose I just needed to sit down and really think about it.

So what have we learned today?

We learned that I have deal breakers, and that I am still refining my ideal type. We also learned that I need to be more assertive (crushing on everyone else’s crush or crushing on who I am told to crush on is not a good look).

There’s an exercise at the end of the book that will test how well we have grasped the concept.

Next up: Anatomy of the “girl crush”.